Amityville Man Cave

“What the fuck is that?” Deena said. 

“It smells like … Axe Body Spray,” Stephanie said. 

“Okay, so, I didn’t smell that five minutes ago, did you?” 

“No. Why are you so freaked out?” 

“Well, there’s something I didn’t tell you about this house we bought.” 

“Oh, no! What?” 

“It used to belong to Neckbeard.” 

“So? I’m sure lots of neckbeards have owned houses.” 

“No, not just any neckbeard. I’m talking about Neckbeard McDudebro.” 

“Oh, no. Him?” 


“But isn’t he just an urban legend?” 

“Does that smell like an urban legend to you?” 

“No, it smells like Axe Body Spray.” 

“That’s because he’s here. This is the house of Neckbeard McDudebro and we are standing in his man cave!” 

“Why the fuck didn’t you say something?” 

“Because you wouldn’t want to buy the house if I did.” 

“You’re goddamn right I wouldn’t have!” 

“Ugh, the smell is getting stronger. I’m sorry, Stephanie.” 

“Sorry? In the span of a few seconds, I just found out ghosts are real, and my girlfriend is a fucking liar. I don’t think sorry is going to fix things. God, that smells awful. We need to get the fuck out of here.” 

“I don’t know if he’ll let us leave.” 

“Why the fuck did you want to buy his house so bad?” 

“Because it’s a nice house, and I don’t believe in ghosts.” 

“Well, actually,” a disembodied voice began, “I’m more of a poltergeist. Are you two going to scissor for me or what?” 

“Neckbeard?” both women said. 

“That’s right, bitches. Welcome to my house. Now you must do what I say. Because I’m dead, I’m no longer under your oppressive matriarchal rule. Now, boobs or get the fuck out.” 

A set of milky eyes opened on the wall in front of the women. Lips took shape and curved into a smile. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Stephanie said. 

“No, I think he’s serious.” 

“Well, he’s not getting boobs, so I’m getting the fuck out.” 

“Wait a minute. Fuck him. It’s not his house anymore. He’s not getting boobs and we’re not going anywhere.” 

Several seconds of silence passed. Then, 

“Well, if you won’t do what I say and you won’t leave, I’ll have to move furniture around and make scary sounds.” 

“Is that it?” Deena said. 

“What do you mean? Doesn’t that scare you?” 

“Not really.” 

“Deena, what are you doing?” 

“I don’t believe in ghosts and we’re tired from moving. Maybe we’re just imagining you.” 

“I’m real.” 

“I don’t know, man. I’m exhausted. I’ve hardly slept for days. Neither has Stephanie. I think you’re just a bad hallucination.” 

“Yeah,” Stephanie said. “And come on, moving around some furniture? Making scary sounds? We’ll just tell each other it’s the house settling or some shit.” 

“Like earthquakes. This is California.” 

“You can’t deny me. Boobs or get the fuck out.” 

“Sorry, man. You’re just an urban legend and not a very good one.” 

“But wait! The Axe. Surely you smell me. And my face on the wall. Surely you see me.” 

“I don’t see shit,” Stephanie said. “How about you, girlfriend?” 

“Nope. Just some weird shadows.” 

“But the smell, the smell!” 

“What do you think, Steph?” 

“I think that stink is just left over from when you were still alive. Even in death, your smell lingers, but you don’t. You’re gone. This is our house.” 

“But not this room. This is my man cave.” 

“You know what I’m thinking, Steph?” 


“I think these walls would look really good in pink.” 

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