Fulfillment. Reckless abandon. Joy. These are the terms that occur to me upon first glancing at the nineteenth card in the Major Arcana.

It’s brightly lit. It’s got a naked person riding a horse. Sunflowers everywhere.

When I draw this card, I think of the things that fulfill me. The things that I do with reckless abandon. The things that bring me joy.

I’m nearly a month sober. Yesterday, I tried to drink some Scotch, but as soon as it touched my lips, I decided I did not want it. With the clarity of sobriety, I cry while watching movies or hearing songs. These are seldom tears of sadness. They’re not quite tears of joy either. They are tears that come when words fail me.

Babies and toddlers cry because their language is limited. The capital R, American Romantics believed that when you experience the divine, words fail you. I’m putting things together, but I’m not quite sure how yet.

I’ll leave you with this. The nude person in The Sun rides a weary horse. The sun itself wears a serious expression, a discerning expression.

Fulfillment is fragile. Reckless abandon is unsustainable. Joy rides on the back of weariness.

I love you. Welcome to winter.

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